I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
