My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
