im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize