This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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