I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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