thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
