I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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