Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
