He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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