so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
