I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She's the barista slut.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
