so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
