i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
