I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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