that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
