I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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