how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
