would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
