my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
