If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
