12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
