Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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