this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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