I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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