Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
