i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
