Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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