Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
