Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
