How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
