I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
