Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
