The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
50% drunk capacity currently
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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