He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
