Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
