I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
