Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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