Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
