dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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