I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
