Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
