Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
