He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store