Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
