Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
