Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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