Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
