You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
