Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
