just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
