So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
