hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
