I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
