I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
