I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
