mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
