He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
